ICE STORM DIET
by
Lorie Truemner
Chaffeys Locks, Ontario
This diet has been tested rigorously in Eastern Ontario, Quebec and
Northern New York through to Maine. If you follow it properly, you can
lose at least 10 pounds in 2 weeks.
Meal plan:
Breakfast:
Choice of:
- muffin (or the portion of the muffin) which hasn't yet begun to mold
- cereal with milk (slightly sour if kept inside,completely frozen if kept outside)
- any fruit that hasn't started to smell funny
- tea/ coffee which takes half an hour to make on the woodstove but hey, it's sort of hot.
- toast burned in the woodstove, and marmalade (if you are courageous enough to ignore the warning: "keep refrigerated after opening...")
Lunch:
Choice of:
- any of the above
- sandwiches made from anything in a can (you might have to fight the cat for it)... and do we really want to test out that mayonnaise sitting in the window for 6 days?
- scrambled eggs (see time required for tea/coffee)
- bacon from the neighbour's freezer (test it on the cat first )
- Forfar cheese. Not the cottage cheese though - that went the way of the milk.
Supper
Choice of:
- any of the above
- canned soup, canned meatballs, canned spaghetti. ...etc - just rip the label off, plop it on the woodstove and wait...and wait...and wait... stir once in a while...
- cooked meat from your outdoor freezer (aka the snow on the deck) wrap it in foil and stick it in the fire - really gets that "smoked" flavour
- canned veggies, canned fruit etc.
- salad made from those dubious veggies stored in the coldest room in the house
- spam!!! Be sure to sing the appropriate Monty Python tune.
Special Meals;
- anything you can get at a fast food outlet in town...but all you really want is:
WATER!: any drinking water, anywhere you can scavenge it - all you can
drink. But don't forget what that means**
Exercise plan:
All of the following exercises occur naturally in your day to day life on
*this* diet: - cutting your way out of your driveway - Cutting and hauling
branches - Splitting and hauling wood - Learning to use a chainsaw for the
first three items. Anything
you cut off yourself is an immediate weight loss bonus!
- Finding and hauling water
- Spending two days chipping at that block of ice called a "car"
- Stumbling around in the dark looking for matches, flashlights and the transistor radio
- keeping the cat away from the kerosene lamp
- cleaning out the freezer which is sad (day 2), a bit gross (day 4), makes you hurl (day 6 - another bonus)
- developing flushing-with- less-than-one-pail- of-water skills (see **item in meal plan)
- getting up 3 times a night to put another log in the woodstove
- and don't forget to exercise that finger calling Hydro to ask when your power will be back on*. This must be done three times a day so they get to exercise their patience.
*Note: requires phone service.
- Lorie Truemner (pekoe@sympatico.ca)
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